The Coversation

The Conversation

Home

 The Conversation

March 15, 2015    (Revision 5 April 15, 2017)

Before we get started I want to make it clear that this work is copyrighted, 2015, by Alexis McCall.  All rights reserved.  If you wish to use it I will probably let you BUT not without permission, without knowing what you want to use it for.  Email me.  AlexisMcCall35@Yahoo.com. Pretty simple huh?

Without a doubt the two questions I get asked the most are “Does your husband know you date?” . . . .and . . “How do I get my wife to become a hotwife like you?”

The answer to the first question is simple and can be answered in three short sentences.  “Yes, he knows.  I am dating other men for the mutual benefit of our marriage.  It’s what he wants me to do.”

The answer to the other question is just as simple in my mind but is going to take me a lot more words to make it seem simple to those of you on the other side of the fence from me.

If you think the grass is greener on my side of the fence I want to let you all know that you’re right.  It’s a hell of a lot greener over here!

I mentioned in my Tumblr blog a few days ago that I could probably write a book about how to have The Hotwife Conversation with your spouse.  I can’t do it there in a 350-400 word blog posting, but I can do it here on my website.

I am writing this basically for men through the mind of a woman who has already made the journey successfully into Hotwife womanhood, and is now looking at you from the greener side of the fence, but I’m pretty sure the way I am writing this could be considered as non gender specific.

If you want to do some credible reading on the subject in the mean time there is a Research Report called the “Hotwife Phenomenon”, written by Dr. Sherry Lee.  Dr. Lee used to be a contributor to “Psychology Today” but I don’t think she is any more.

I do not have permission to use her material.  With a little effort you can find this report.  It’s a great read!

~

Part One

The Recipe Ingredients for Intimacy

If you had been communicating with your spouse openly and honestly already, you wouldn’t need Dr. Lexi’s advice, and NO, I’m not being critical.  As I have said many times already Michael and I were just like you.  We did not communicate with each other about anything that mattered in our marriage.

I am going to assume you are a husband that wants to figure out how to get your wife into our Hotwife Lifestyle.  I also happen to think the advice is just as relevant if the situation is reversed.

If your marriage does not have Intimacy, that is going to have to be Job One!  What is an Intimate relationship?  The real definition of Intimacy is a feeling of "Oneness" in a relationship.  Oneness in a marriage is when there is no "you", and there is no "me".  There is only "us", as one entity.  The decision making process in an Intimate relationship means that every decision you want to make in your marriage takes innto account how that decision is going to affect your partner.

 Every decision either of you makes affects both of you because of the "us" factor.  That means that you consider how that decision is going to impact "us".  Is this true definition of Intimacy even doable in a marriage?  Can a married couple acheive this state of being?

Probably not, but the thing is you have to be able to understand the concept before you can make it a reality.  You also need to understand what Intimacy is not.  Society often times uses the word Intimate, to describe people getting caught having an affair.

The Tabloid report said two of the co-stars of the new film were caught having an Intimate relationship.  No they weren't.  They got caught having sex.  There is no link between the real definition of Intimacy and sex.  They are unrealted things.  You don't need Intimacy for great sex, and sex does not require Intimacy.

So your Job One needs to be to build Intimacy.  You need to start working on making your realtionship "us."  You probably can't reach the top of the peak, but the good news is that you don't have to, but you need more than you have right now.  Building Intimacy is like baking bread.  You need to follow the recipe for baking bread if you want your loaf to turn out.  Building Intimacy is no different, so let's get started!

There are some key ingredients in this “recipe” that are not able to be substituted.  Let’s talk about them one at a time.  The first ingredient is Patience.

If you think this Lifestyle transformation is going to happen quickly, you are sadly mistaken.  Your marriage did not get to where it is quickly and you are not going to change it quickly if you are doing this for the right reason and want to stay married.

If you don’t have the patience for this process then you are wasting your time reading this.  Patience is a key ingredient that may not be substituted in this recipe.

Men are born non-communicators in a marriage, for the most part.  Women are born communicators in a marriage for the most part, at least for a while.  Women eventually give up when the communication is only one way, which sadly is the norm in the world as Dr. Lexi knows it.

The good news is that once you begin communicating with your wife she will most likely respond unless her spirit is broken.  If her spirit is broken that going to take more work, but chances are if she keeps showing up in your marriage, there is still hope.  That brings us to Communication.

Communication is the second key ingredient that cannot be substituted in Lexi’s recipe.  I can hear you thinking as you read this.  “Aw shit Dr. Lexi, Do I have to?”

Yes, you have to.  The good news is that if you have Patience, learning how to Communicate is not as hard as you think because using your Patience, you do not have to Communicate all at once.

Here is an important warning for you.  If you are tempted to rush up Communication, without Patience and Communicate too much, too soon, that’s not Communication, that is Stupidity!  Don’t do it!

Rome was not built in a day and neither is a Hotwife when you are using these techniques I am going to give you to benefit the marriage for you both.

The third key ingredient that cannot be substituted is Focus.  You must Focus on your wife in order to Communicate both with her and to her.  Now why do you suppose I used both those words?

Because if you do not have a history of open Communication, chances are you may be doing a certain amount of Communication in her direction without much response at first.  You may be communicating to her and not with her.

That’s ok though because you have Patience, and you will remain Focused on her and continue to Communicate.

OK I am going to stop bolding those three ingredients going forward.  If you don’t get it by now you aren’t going to.

~

Part Two

The Communication Process

If you have read this far you are probably at least curious about the process of communication so let’s get started with the basics.  Here is a kernel of information for you that is not open for debate.  Consider it as a Truism from Dr. Lexi:

“ALL women are emotional thinkers and ALL women are suspicious by nature.”  Eventually during your process of Communication and Focus she will become suspicious of your motives, and rightly so, because if for no other reason, it’s not what she is used to.

You are undergoing change and you have taken a step in her direction, by exhibiting Communication and Focus.  Those are two tangible things that she can see and they are mostly two traits you have probably not shown a lot of until recently.

The fact that she may be suspicious is not necessarily a bad thing and Dr. Lexi will show you how to deal with that a little later.  I was saying that she can see your Communication and she can see your Focus, but she can’t see your Patience.  For now that doesn’t matter.

Regarding her suspicious nature, the good news is that suspicious women are also curious women.  Most women have a pretty good balance of both things, so although she may be suspicious of your changes and your motives, she is also curious about it.

She is only going to look for the downside as long as you don’t give her a reason to look at the upside.

Here is a personal example of something that Michael and I went through several years ago when he turned forty.  He played football at UF.  He was a jock Alpha male and that was that.  Lexi got her man!

By the time Michael turned forty Lexi also got ignored.  Sometimes he wouldn’t touch me for months.  Can you imagine any man not wanting to touch me?  That’s what was going on in my head at the time anyway.

Michael’s 40th birthday was a wakeup call for him.  I didn’t know it at the time because we were not communicating about anything at all besides our daughter but he had to undergo an insurance physical for his business, and it didn’t go well.

His cholesterol was high, his blood pressure was high. His triglycerides were high and the doctor wanted Michael to take drugs and lose weight.  Michael refused the drugs but became relentless about working out, losing weight, and getting his body back in shape.

He lost 20 pounds but was still ignoring me.  Finally during a petty argument over something else, I snapped.  “Who are you losing all that weight for?  It sure as hell isn’t me!”  I demanded to know.

I was sure he was having an affair, because I was only seeing the downside as his changes in appearance related to my relationship with Michael.  He could have diffused the situation, (not fixed, but lessened) in my mind by explaining about his physical, but he didn’t.

My personal attack pissed him off and he told me I didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about, so it continued to escalate.

That is an example of lack of communication and only showing me the downside I was seeing in my mind.  Just so you know, when that topic came up much later and I asked him why he didn’t tell me about his health problems his response was that he didn’t want to worry me.

So . . . .your wife is going to be suspicious of your hopefully not too sudden Focus, and Communication, but if you exhibit Patience and do it slowly the Dr. Lexi way, which I will explain to you in detail, she will be equally as curious as she is suspicious, and you can safely navigate your way through this potential mine field.

~

Because I know you are probably going to skip ahead here to the point where I tell you how to diffuse her suspicion I’ll tell you right now to keep you focused on the current message.

This will work at any point along the way, but don’t use it until you have to.  Otherwise you will have to use it more than once.  You don’t want that!

Here’s what is going to happen even if you do it exactly right.  You are going to arouse her suspicious nature and she is going to think you are up to no good.  The longer you can delay that by showing progress in your relationship the less of an issue it will be.

One of two things is going to happen.  She is either going to ask you a question or launch a personal attack.  Don’t fall for the attack if it happens.  Focus on her curiosity instead BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, TELL HER SOMETHING THAT MAKES SENSE TO HER!  (the caps were on purpose) Don’t do what Michael did!

Here are some typical examples of how she may ask:

What’s up with you?

Why are you being so sneaky?

What’s going on?

Why all the attention all of a sudden?

“What are you up to?

These are not personal attacks.  She is letting you know that she has noticed the difference.  She is expressing her curiosity through her suspicious nature.  Regardless of the words she uses, your response should be the same.

Tell her that you are focused on her now.  If you are, she will know that is true.  Tell her you are focused on her because you are looking for ways to make your marriage better and to either re-start your sex life, or spice it up because you know you have been a shitty communicator and you are trying to show her by your focus . . .something like that.  Tra-la-la.  Use your own words.

Dr. Lexi is giving you a concept and examples, not a script!

This is a two part thing.  I’m going to tell you what the second part is but I can’t tell you when you should use it.  It is this:

After you have told her that you want to make things better and she knows that your sex life is a part of that change you are seeking, ask for her input like this.  “I took a step forward.  I am trying to show you that I am focused on you and I am trying to communicate better.  I want things in our marriage to be better than they are.  Do you have any ideas how we can make that happen?”

Don’t expect a myriad of suggestions the first time you pose this question, but trust me, she will be thinking about it.

 ~

Part Three

Some Truths About Women

You will have her limited attention at this point.  You may not have her focus yet, but you will definitely have her curiosity and I am going to explain why by giving you some basic information about the members of my gender.  These bullet points are not meant as debate points they are a collection of Dr. Lexi’s female Truisms:

·         If you are not satisfied with your marital sex life, neither is your wife satisfied with hers.

·         All women fantasize about sex and all women masturbate throughout their life.

·         Statistics show that a higher percentage of married women have affairs than married men.

·         Ashley Madison has a higher percentage of female members than male members

·         Married women feel less guilt about infidelity than married men.

·         Alcohol does not lower the inhibitions of a woman as much as it gives her an excuse to do something she wanted to do  anyway but is restrained by societal values.

·         If you don’t know that your wife has a dirty mind, then you don’t really know her.

·         All women can be talked into doing some very naughty sexual things with a man they trust because women are more sexually open then most men.

·         Women don’t care about penis size

·         Women are less likely to be concerned about the age difference of a sex partner, either way.

·         Intimacy and sex are unrelated things.  Women don’t need intimacy to enjoy mind blowing sex with a man she just met at a bar, even if it’s in the men’s room on a lavatory sink!

·         If you can get into a woman’s mind you can get into her panties whether she’s married or not!

I think by now you get the idea.  Your wife will be curious.  She is a sexual being and she thinks about sex as much as you do.  Now I need to back up and tell you how to make her curious.

Part Four

Focus

The basic idea here is to start focusing your attention back on your wife.  If you are Patient, you will be successful in getting her attention without arousing her suspicion too much at first.

All women love personal compliments and believe it or not, a few unexpected compliments do not turn us into crazed butcher knife wielding lunatics looking to castrate all of mankind when we don’t understand why we are getting them.

If you are a man married to a woman like that, don’t bother looking for pearls in Dr. Lexi’s oysters.

Don’t  think on a grand scale starting out.  Start small, but be sincere and be consistent and stay away from sensitive issues like weight unless you are positive you know what you are talking about!  She may not have a valid concern about her weight but she may have a perceived emotional issue about her weight. (Dr. Lexi has experience with this so trust me!)

Complimenting something about her appearance lets her know you noticed it.  That may not equate as Focus right away but if you find something to notice every day, pretty soon that turns into focus.

It can be anything.  Here’s a list to get you started:

·         Nail polish color

·         Eye makeup

·         Hairstyle

·         Jewelry

·         Dress

·         Skirt

·         Blouse

·         Shoes

·         Scent

·         Lip gloss color

·         Weight loss (only if you actually know for sure)

·         Her cooking

·         Special things she does for you, the kids, or someone else

·         Thank her for her contributions to your marriage.

·         Notice changes in her appearance

·         Compliment a new hair style or hair cut

The list is endless.  Give her one compliment per day every day, but never more than two unless they are obvious to everyone.  Here are some other ways to show her you are focused.

·         Bring her a flower (one flower, not a dozen fucking roses!  I want you to do this often, that’s why)

·         If she likes wine, surprise her with a bottle of wine.

·         Help her with dinner

·         Help her after dinner

·         Do something with her after dinner.  Play a game or something but NOT watching TV together.  Something that fosters communication.  Maybe she will start the communication

·         Wash her car. The point is to do something she will notice.  If you always wash her car, do something else that you don’t always do.

·         Take her out on a date and make sure she understands that it is a date.*

*Dr. Lexi’s advice on marital dating is as follows:  You have to let your wife know your intentions. “I want to take you out on a dinner date”, sends a totally difference message than “let’s go out for dinner tonight.”  You can reinforce your intentions by bringing her home a single flower for your date.  Michael brings me daisies.  They mean the world to me now because he still does it from time to time.

By this point she will notice the fact that you are Focused, and although she may or may not have voiced her suspicion, she will be Curious about your intentions.

This is your order of progression.  First she will be Suspicious.  Then she will be Curious. Then she will be Interested for as long as you are willing to continue.  Once that has happened you will have her full Attention.

Part Five

The Dreaded “C” Word

Communication

Communication doesn’t have to begin in earnest until you have her full Attention, but once you have it, it’s time to Communicate.

Dr. Lexi’s disclaimer:  Before I continue, I need to admit that although Michael got my Full Attention before we began Communicating with each other, we pretty much followed my steps backwards after that so that I kept my full attention on him and his project.

If you have read my blog you know the way he got my attention was to admit publically in front of our boating friends that the thought of his wife Lexi having sex with one of the other boater’s whose name was Tony, turned him on.  That admission seriously got my attention!  That my friends is where I am trying to get you with my Recipe.

The point of my disclaimer is to let you know that once you get your wife’s attention you can get to wherever you want to go if you continue to go slowly, communicate openly and honestly with her and stay focused on her.

~

Having said that though, sooner or later, once you begin communicating, you are going to have to deal with baggage.  Your wife is an emotional creature whose memory of your transgressions either real or perceived is longer than the memory of an Elephant.  She has been sweeping shit under the rug for a long time when you weren't focused on her!

If you expect this up front and are prepared to deal with it, it is simply one more crutch to kick out of the way, or something like that.

Only an idiot or a dumbass is going to be focused on debating his transgressions or correcting her perception at this point, when you are so close to getting what you want.

Your correct response should NOT be an apology!  In fact, admitting you were a dumbass is going to get you a hell of a lot more credit than an apology, unless she wants one.  Then by all means, do it, but do it the Dr. Lexi way!

I want to stop here for a minute and explain something important to men about how we think as women.  If we think you have committed a transgression, then you committed that transgression whether you did or you didn't.  Dr. Lexi is advising you to take ownership of the transgression.  You can't "fix" the past and you shouldn't try, even if she asks you why you did whatever it was she thinks you did.  This is particularly important if she thinks you cheated on her.

If you think an apology would be helpful, then Dr. Lexi is advising you specifically NOT to apologize for the transgression itself, apologize only for not being focused because that is something you can and hopefully already have fixed.

The result you want is to show her that you are focused on her now and that should be your only message.  That is the only thing you can fix!

If you have followed Dr. Lexi’s advice, if you have shown Patience, demonstrated your Focus, and have gotten her full Attention, I will tell you how to effectively Communicate you desire to turn her into a Hotwife in Part Six.

 

Part Six

Here is the very bottom line of this process.  At some point the object is to share with your wife, a specific fantasy you have.  This has to happen before you can ask her to make your fantasy a reality through her actions.

She can’t know that you want her to become a hotwife until you tell her.  It is the reason why you have become Focused on her and are Communicating with her now.  But only you are going to know when the time is right for your Patience to be first tested, and then rewarded.

You have to share your fantasy and you have to ask her to do it before she is going to know what you want.  Or do you?   . . . . .

Let’s say you have done everything right so far.  You have shown Focus, you have significantly improved your Communication skills, and you have shown Patience, but you just can’t seem to make the words come out of your mouth to tell her what you want.  So now what?

Dr. Lexi has some recommendations for you Mr. Chickenhearted.  This is an interim step.  Buy her an ankle bracelet.  It needs to be an understated plain gold or silver Anklet.  Don’t do what Michael did to me.

Don’t get her an Anklet with the initials I-L-2-F, or S-L-U-T, or “Hotwife” in script.  Don’t get any charms put on it like two symbols for males and one symbol for a female.  Don’t get her a black playing card spade charm with a white Q in the center.

Simply buy her a gift.  Do not buy it for a specific gift buying occasion.  It needs to come out of the blue.  You want to paint her the picture that it is simply a ‘thinking of you’ gift because she has your Focus and your Attention.

Let her decide which ankle to wear it on if you want to.  Maybe she already knows and SHE will start the conversation.  She only needs to understand that it goes on her ankle and not her wrist.  You have a 50-50 chance she will put it on her right ankle.

If this happens, and she begins wearing it, it’s time for you to show more Patience.  She is going to get more attention wearing that anklet than she is going to get without it.  It’s not going to take her long to realize that.  It won’t matter which ankle she wears it on either.

Maybe SHE will start the conversation.  You don’t care if it takes awhile because you are a patient man now.  If she doesn’t mention it, Dr. Lexi has some helpful hints to lead to finally getting your concept out on the table.

At this point you have demonstrated through your Focus your Communication and your Attention to her, your desire to build intimacy in your marriage and improve your sex life.

Dr. Lexi wants to remind you here that Intimacy and sex are unrelated things in the bigger picture.  If you don’t believe me look up the definition of “intimacy”.  It is a feeling of ‘Oneness’.  There is not a you and not a me.  There is only Us!   There is no mention in there anywhere that sex has anything to do with that.  I had an intimate relationship with my sister but we were not having sex.

1.    Start small.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  Sound familiar?  Take her out on a date.  Notice some man checking her out.  It doesn’t matter if he really is or isn’t.  If she is wearing her ankle bracelet he probably is though.  All you want is a conversation starter.  “That guy over there is checking you out.”  Then tell her you understand why he would do that.  Then tell her that thought turns you on.  That’s it!  Nothing more unless she wants to talk about it.  All you are doing is planting the seed.  You have let her know that it excites you now when she gets attention from men. If she asks you why, tell her why!  This is the reason you are doing this in the first place.

2.    Be consistent.  You are building Rome a block at a time.  Take her home after your date and have sex with her.  Try and make it special.  If that is not one of your options than reinforce your earlier conversation that it excited you seeing a guy checking her out.

3.    Ramp it up.  You don’t have to tell her you want her to become your hotwife at fist but you are going to have to let her know you want something.  Tell her it would excite you to watch her flirting with someone.  It can be anywhere.  It doesn’t have to be a bar.

4.    Keep it sexual.  Flirting leads to some other games you can play, like kissing.  Your interim goal is to ease her into your ultimate fantasy.  The keyword here is “ease”.

5.    Do not overwhelm her.  Because you have become a patient man if you ease her along slowly enough you may be surprised in a good way, by the results you get because they are the results you want.

6.    Getting to yes! If you have been successful in slowly ramping up the game and you want to take it to its logical conclusion there is no getting around the fact that you are going to have to eventually tell her you want to share her with other men.

~

Dr. Lexi is not writing a script for you but I have some thoughts on how to present the concept to her when you decide you have grown your balls big enough to tell her what you want.

Remember what I said about Rome not being built in a day?  That is a Truism that is especially important now that you are ready to share your fantasy about sharing her body.

Just like with Item One above you need to go back to starting small.  A while back in my blog I mentioned all the different types of Hotwife Lifestyles I could find on Tumblr and similar blogs.

If you want your wife to become a BBC slut and take them on four at a time, my advice to you is to keep that to yourself for the foreseeable future.  Same thing goes if you want her to gang bang your friends and neighbors.

She is the one that is going to be spreading her legs, so she should get to decide who she is willing to spread them for and when.  When you are ready to have the conversation the first conversation Dr. Lexi is advising you to have is to say nothing more than you have a fantasy about her dating outside your marriage.  That’s it.

If you have done everything you should have done up to this point, she is not going to try and gouge your eyes out or call you a pervert.  I promise you!  She is not going to scream “Fuck you!” and storm out of the house.

She is probably going to say something like “Really?”  This is no longer a suspicious response.  It’s a curious response and you need to handle it cleanly.  Instead of saying “Yes, Really!”, you should lay out a simple plan whereby she can openly date outside your marriage and the only thing in it for you at this point is that it feeds your fantasy about her. (Keep it simple)

It’s important that you say that because you do not want her to think that there is more to this concept than you are telling her whether there is or there isn’t.   You need to start small.

You also need to make it clear that she has complete autonomy over who is going to be spreading her legs.  If you want her to say yes, you need to start small and keep it simple!

Maybe instead of saying “Really?”  when you tell her you want her to date, she might say something like I did.  Maybe she asks?  “If I do this how far do you want me to go?”

Dr. Lexi is warning you that there is only one correct and appropriate answer to that question and it is NOT to tell her.  Say this:

“I only want you to go as far as you are comfortable going no matter how far that is.”

I shouldn’t have to explain this answer to you so let me just say that it puts no pressure on her at one end and no restrictions on her at the other end.  It makes it easier her to say “Yes.” Because you have kept it simple and started small.

Lastly, once you get her to start dating and it becomes sex dating and she is ok with her role and your role then it will be the appropriate time to ramp it up so long as it is what you both want.  Best of Luck!

 

Alexis McCall   aka Dr. Lexi.    Copyright March 2015.  All rights reserved for now.

Note from Lexi:  This work is not complete because as I get questions about it and input I intend to refine it.  It’s a complete start however.  Let’s put it that way.  I will let you know by using a revision date at the top when I change it.  See?  I did learn something working for lawyers!